By Michele Karlsberg–
Michele Karlsberg: D’yan Forest has always done things her way—or her ways because she’s lived a dozen different lives. Being a desperate Boston housewife, a New York nightclub singer, and a Paris swinger is only part of D’yan’s life story. At 86, she is an internationally known stand-up comedian and musician. She has appeared on Saturday Night Live and has performed in many New York City cabarets with regular performances at The Gotham Comedy Club. Her critically acclaimed one-woman shows have been presented on stages all around the world. The following is an excerpt from D’yan’s memoir, I Did It My Ways:
It was in 1983 that I met Nell the nun. She had just moved to Southampton, Long Island, after divorcing her husband (yes, some nuns have husbands).
Maybe I need to give you some background.
I was interviewed for an article in one of the Hamptons’ newspapers, and the writer, a lesbian friend called Artemis, came over to my apartment in the Village with the newspaper to show me. She phoned ahead and asked if it was OK to bring a friend with her.
“Sure,” I said, “who is it?”
“She just arrived from Puerto Rico.”
“Great, a ray of tropical sunshine!”
“Well, she’s not from Puerto Rico. She was just living there. She’s from Long Island.”
“Oh, OK.” Not quite so exciting, after all.
“She used to be a nun.”
“A nun?” Even less exciting. I guessed Artemis was dragging this friend around to liven her up a bit after all those years in a convent. “Bring her over. What’s her name?”
“Nell.”
“Nell? As in death knell? Great!”
It turned out, though, that I was wrong to be pessimistic. Nell was lively, lovely, a lot of fun, and cute.
We all went out for lunch in the Village, and Nell gave me an edited version of her life story.
“I put on the cowl just after high school,” she explained, while tucking into a grilled cheese sandwich and a mug of beer. This former nun clearly enjoyed the pleasures of life. “It was a Catholic school,” she said, “and I’m pretty sure the principal got a bonus for every girl she turned into a novice. She convinced me to sign up by telling me the convent would put me through college for free—which they did, except as well as studying, I had to cook and clean all day for the ‘qualified’ nuns. They kept telling me, cleanliness is next to Godliness, but in my case, it was next to slavery.”
We laughed at Nell’s ironic take on nunnery, but this wasn’t the worst of it.
“Every Saturday,” she said, “they made us novices join in flagellation sessions.”
“Flagellation?” I’d heard the word before, but only in Parisian sex clubs.
“Yes. The nuns used to lock us novices in a room decorated with nothing except a painting of the Virgin Mary looking sorry for us. And we’d have to stand in a circle, lift up our habits and whip our naked backs with a thin metal chain.”
“Oh my God.” Artemis and I were listening as if Nell was describing a cheap porno film.
“So, there was this circle of bareback nuns, whipping ourselves, trying to keep quiet because we didn’t want to give too much pleasure to the sadistic nuns listening outside the door.”
“Wow.” I was wondering whether it was erotic or sick.
“No wonder I turned out kinky,” Nell added, which was the clincher—erotic it definitely was. “While I was at the convent, I fooled around with a few of the novices, too.”
“Did you get thrown out of the convent?” I asked.
“No, the Mother Superior offered me missionary work in Puerto Rico. I didn’t think I’d be good at converting other people, but I accepted. Maybe I misunderstood what they meant by giving me ‘a missionary position.'”
For more information on D’yan Forest: http://www.dyanforest.com
Michele Karlsberg Marketing and Management specializes in publicity for the LGBTQ+ community. This year, Karlsberg celebrates 32 years of successful marketing campaigns. For more information: https://www.michelekarlsberg.com
Published on April 22, 2021
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