Marriages Today Just Don’t Work, or Do They?

I recently read an online article by Anthony D’Ambrosio who wrote that “marriages today just don’t work.” He went on to mention that his generation (he is 29 years old and divorced) “isn’t equipped to handle marriages—and here’s why:

1. Sex becomes almost non-existent.
2. Finances cripple us.
3. We’re more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.
4. Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved.
5. Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.”

He elaborated on each of his statements. For example, concerning sex he wrote: “It’s no wonder why insecurities loom so largely these days. You have to be perfect to keep someone attracted to you. Meanwhile, what your lover should really be attracted to is your heart. Maybe if you felt that connection beyond a physical level, would you realize a sexual attraction you’ve never felt before.”

Regarding finances, he posited that the strain of earning a living “halts us from being able to live life…Part of life is being able to live. Not having the finances to do so takes away yet another important aspect of our relationships. It keeps us inside, forced to see the life everyone else is living.” And, I would add, provides additional strain as we compare our lives with others who are seemingly doing “better.”

D’Ambrosio’s most troublesome point is #4. In terms of attention versus love he espoused, “If you want to love someone, stop seeking attention from everyone because you’ll never be satisfied with the attention from one person…You can’t love someone when you’re preoccupied with worrying about what others think of you. Whether it be posting pictures on social media, buying homes to compete with others or going on lavish vacations—none of it matters.”

While I agree that comparing ourselves with others isn’t helpful or healthy, in my experience, 20 and 30-somethings do not categorically crave attention over love. Perhaps some people think that attention will bring them love. As a person’s accomplishments and pursuits are shared (typically online), the “right” person might become interested, interested enough to initiate contact that could lead to a date and eventually a relationship.

I was all set to use my column as a sort of rebuttal to D’Ambrosio. Then, thanks to modern/social media, my work was done for me by Kevin A Thompson, who entitled his recent blog posting “Ignore the Internet: Marriage Still Works.”

Thompson began by acknowledging that “D’Ambrosio correctly identified five problems, which could hinder any marriage.” Thompson then wrote that D’Ambrosio “comes to a false conclusion that they are unique to his generation…” The blogger continued, “While I do not doubt that D’Ambrosio sees many failed marriages around him, what he fails to see are the many marriages which are thriving in the midst of the very culture which he claims hurts marriage.”

There is plenty of evidence regarding marriages that terminate, rather than flourish. After seven years of officiating weddings, my 100% success rate has recently become blemished. Failed marriages are a reality, but the demise of marriage is not particular to younger generations.

I still believe that marriage is right for those who choose this path. Thompson concluded his blog posting by writing, “Marriage still works.”

I agree.

Howard M. Steiermann is an Ordained Ritual Facilitator based in San Francisco. For more information, please visit www.SFHoward.com