By Dr. Tim Seelig—
I went to the dentist recently. My blood pressure elevated in anticipation, probably because my appointment was for a “deep cleaning.” I need that for my condo or carpet, not my teeth! If you have a strong reaction to dentists, stop reading now.
Upon arrival, I was presented with a “Comfort Menu” at the check-in. I could select a luxury pillow, earphones, blindfold, or warm blanket. Fancy. Those were all free. I chose the one “comfort” item that was not free: nitrous oxide.
I love nitrous. It’s to blame for this article. It was the nitrous’ suggestion. I have loved it for a very long time. It’s been around since the mid-19th century. I have not loved it that long, but others have. Apparently, it is going out of style with dentists. When that happens, I will no longer be going!
I was first introduced to nitrous 30 years ago in Dallas by Dr. Boyd, my wonderful lesbian dentist. She was the first dentist to offer me nitrous at every cleaning. I got my teeth cleaned a lot. In the early days, I would laugh under gas. I don’t laugh anymore. I think it’s because I don’t know these dentists or hygienists and they don’t laugh at the jokes I make when they remove the tiny pick and spit sucker from my mouth.
Even though I no longer have a receptive audience for my humor while gassed, I am brilliant for the 45 minutes. It helps me plan … not just my life, but Bobby’s and for my choir, and to solve the entire world’s problems at the same time. Unfortunately, I don’t remember 98% of it when I land back to Earth. One of the magic wonders is that the dentist or hygienist can just flip the switch over to pure oxygen, and, in 3 minutes, the old Tim returns. He’s not all that welcome. We miss the smart one. It is not pain-free. There is still plenty of poking, scraping, digging, tooth assaulting. You can feel it. You just don’t care. No white knuckles on the arm rests.
When I got home, I asked Bobby to do some research to find a legal recreational drug that would do the exact thing nitrous does. No luck. I know some of you are thinking there are, but they are not exact replicas.
I am not a good drug taker of any kind. I’ll share a big secret with you all. I am a little controlling. Drugs by their very nature force you to let go of that. I can’t. I think the reason nitrous is my friend is that it is administered in a very safe environment. I feel safe lying back in the very comfortable easy chair with all the comfort items. There is someone standing there helping guide my journey. And there is no dizziness, and I know it will be over in exactly 45 minutes. I did offer the hygienist a tip if he would extend it for 15 minutes. Nope.
My two lives have provided competing songs about nitrous and dentists. In the church we had a favorite hymn. I’ve been singing it with a little word change. “Oh, how I love nitrous, because it first loved me.” The other one is Bette Midler’s “Long John Blues.” “I got a dentist who’s over seven feet tall. His name is Doctor Long John.” I’d love to share more, but this is a nice paper! These and a few others have combined to make my “Ode to Nitrous.”
There is so much more to share about a lifetime of regular dentist visits. I’m grateful that my parents held dental hygiene in high regard. It didn’t stop them from playing dentist at home. They always tied a loose tooth to a doorknob and slammed the door. It was an inexpensive extraction. We thought that’s the way all kids lost teeth. The Tooth Fairy brought coins. My grandkids’ Tooth Fairy brings Bitcoin.
When my big boy teeth came in, I had a gap between my front teeth. That was not good. I got braces. There was no such thing as fancy Invisalign. Nope. It was brutal in the 1960s. After a couple of years, the braces were removed and, lo and behold, the gap returned. I was OK with it, until around 19. By that time, I had decided to pursue singing as a career. Professional headshots looking like Goofy, Sponge Bob, or the cover of Mad Magazine wouldn’t work. On went the braces again. When the front teeth came together, they removed the braces and quickly installed crowns on either side of my front teeth to hold those suckers shut! Crowns at age 20. It worked.
I am now that old man who makes all the people in the dentist office come look at my two front crowns that are still in perfect shape after 55 years. My hygienist told me the materials used 50 years ago were far better than they use now. He said the new inserts are like cell phones—designed to need replacement. Many of you will remember I have been to Mexico the last two years for dental work. That was when a bridge had a $4,500 co-pay.
Why so expensive? My son is a financial planner. His firm deals mostly with people in the dental field. In talking with him, he said it is two-fold. The first is the expense of dental school. The average debt for graduates is $300,000 to $500,000. Repayment on a 20-year loan is around $5400 a month and can be much more. The second is the cost to establish a practice. Most new graduates are unable to do that until years after graduation. They work for someone else to be able to make it. These numbers are reason enough for a lot of empathy for our dental workers.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and my relationship with dentists in general, but I will always have fond memories of my BFF nitrous—even if the specifics fail me. I’ll keep singing my Ode in praise of the experience and hope to have many more to come.
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Conductor Laureate of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. http://www.timseelig.com/
TLC: Tears, Laughs and Conversation
Published on August 13, 2026
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