One of the great secrets of life, and a central insight of cognitive therapy, was summed up in a simple way two thousand years ago by the Stoic philosopher, Epictetus: “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.” Most of us assume, most of the time, that when we’re unhappy, the causes are outside of ourselves, in the painful and disappointing things that happen to us. But, to a surprising degree, according to cognitive therapy, our suffering is the result, not of events themselves, but of the attitudes we have about the events.
Several decades ago, Albert Ellis, one of the early pioneers of this approach, identified three basic ideas that he believed were behind most of the unnecessary suffering he saw in his psychotherapy patients. They are:
The fact that we are all imperfect and fallible, and that we inevitably fail and make mistakes, is too threatening for many of us to admit because we’re afraid that, if anyone sees our imperfections, then we will be exposed as worthless and unlovable. Related to this expectation of perfection is the idea that we must have complete and perfect control over everything that happens in our lives, rather than acknowledge that the world is full of accidents and surprises and that we can still enjoy life in spite of its unpredictability. Refusal to accept this basic uncertainty inevitably leads to feelings of anxiety, panic, depression, despair, and worthlessness.
Some people focus on one area of perfection in order to cut down on the number of areas of life they have to master, in the hope that if they have one specific kind of perfection, all the good things in life will follow. A common example of this among some gay men is the relentless pursuit of the absolutely perfect, gym toned body, a pursuit based on the belief that if I’m completely hot then I will also be completely loved. But we all know that sexual attraction and love are different things, and that being the object of lust in no way guarantees being respected or loved.
When we demand unconditional love from others–instead of accepting that, no matter what we do, some people will love us imperfectly, and some won’t at all–we set ourselves up for inordinate dependence and for a passive focus on being loved by significant others for almost everything that we do instead of concentrating on living by our own values, earning our self-respect, and focusing on loving rather than being loved. Paradoxically, the demand for unconditional love inevitably makes us less lovable, because it is a sense of entitlement that leads to indignation, rage and vindictiveness.
A related belief is the idea that if something may be dangerous or scary we should be upset and endlessly worry about it rather than understand that we are better off if we face it and remove the danger, or, when that is not possible, accept what we cannot change. Another related belief is the idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life’s difficulties and personal responsibilities rather than to understand that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run. Believing that things must always go my way leads to low-frustration tolerance, self-pity, anger, and depression; and to behaviors such as procrastination, avoidance, and inaction.
These three ideas–I must be perfect; I must always be loved; things must always go my way–are recipes for keeping us frustrated, unhappy, disappointed, and immature, because these are the expectations of children. Let’s admit it, we can all be childish sometimes. But to the degree that we hold onto these unrealistic expectations, we put ourselves at odds with life, and whenever we fight with life, we lose.
Tom Moon is a psychotherapist in San Francisco. For more information, please visit his website http://tommoon.net/
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