It’s 2025. We face it with mixed emotions shrouded with varying degrees of dread. This past week, I stepped into the first day of my 75th year. I did so kicking and screaming. OK, I’m 74, I was just screaming. My high kicks are not what they used to be. Speaking of legs and getting old, I was scheduled to have a knee replacement on New Year’s Eve. That was to be a cruel ending to 2024. At my pre-op appointment, I donned the lovely one-size-fits-all blue hospital shorts.
When the doctor took one look at my legs, he postponed the surgery. He couldn’t bear defacing such beautiful specimens the likes of which have not been seen since Ann Miller, Juliet Prowse, or Burt Reynolds’ 1972 spread in Cosmopolitan.
If we had proceeded, this article would have been all about my new joint. Since it didn’t, I will proceed with my original plan for the new year: Ask Dr. Tim. I received a wide range of questions on topics from gays, sex, tattoos, work, and grief. I only have space to answer some of the questions. Please keep them coming.
Disclaimer: The only qualification I have is 74 years of living! I hold the same license for counseling as Dr. Phil: none. Here we go:
As an overachiever and people pleaser, what is your process of finding “balance” in your life (family, husband, father, guncle, chosen family, work, spiritual connection, sex life, and your “me time”)? How can I implement those things to achieve balance?
Balance is one of the most difficult things anyone can find in life. For me, it all comes down to setting priorities. There is no way people can do all the things perfectly. Setting aside the expectations you put on yourself is key. In your question, you made a list of the things that vie for your time. It is daunting. Being retired, I do have a better view of how I would have done things differently with different priorities. I would have put biological/ chosen family higher in the pecking order. They are going to be with you the rest of your life. Some things can be temporarily put near the bottom of the list. Some things can be combined. Your “me time” may have to be shared with family. Sex life can also be “me time.” It’s just shared with someone who is also having their “me time.” Write it down. Put percentages to each item on the list as to what you feel best serves you. It will change, but it’s a start.
How do I decide which is the best way to approach life, as a milk cow or a racehorse?
This question obviously comes from someone who has been at one of my workshops. Some years ago, I lost a job I wanted badly. They said, “We are looking for a milk cow. You are a racehorse.” I’d never heard this, but they were right. I was young and needed the nudge to work on my milk cow self. This is what Myers Briggs teaches us. We fall naturally into one set of letters, but to be successful at life, we must develop the skills of the opposite letter. I am a racehorse, a dreamer. But without the daily work to support the dream, it will never come true. On the reverse side, it is great to do the routine work, but you must also step back and dream from time to time.
How does a recently divorced 54-year-old gay man find love? I prefer men in their 30s–40s and have gone on a few dates, several of which have ended with “you’re amazing, but you’re too old.” Please help.
I have three thoughts. All of these are “do as I say not as I have done.”
1. Date yourself for a while. Light some candles and listen to Bernadette Peters sing “Making Love Alone” for further instructions.
2. Stop looking. You don’t need a date. Lean into friends, hobbies, having fun. Let potential dates come to you.
3. Before you ask anyone on a date, tell them you are 54 with all the rights thereunto appertaining. If they accept the date and then say you’re too old, they are creeps. You will have wasted time and money and sustained another bruise to your ego. Being honest up front will save you the pain. There are most definitely 30-year-olds looking for 50-year-olds! Trust me on that.
Some of the questions may have been partially answered in previous articles:
I want to know about being in an age gap relationship. We are 61 and 40. https://sfbaytimes.com/may-to-december/
Are you the new Ann Landers or Dear Abby? Answer: Emily Post.
https://sfbaytimes.com/obituary-for-decency/
I’m also saving some for next time. Among those:
With your decades of work in the LGBTQ+ space, how DO you deal with all those gay egos?
I don’t know anyone else who has had the front row seat to death that you did. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from death and grief, and what has kept you going?
Of all your tattoos, which one or ones would you like to have fixed or wish you had never gotten?
I’m going to wait until you graduate to taking phone calls! (That won’t happen. I hate the phone. Maybe Zoom.)
This has been so much fun. Hopefully all the questions and answers have been fodder for thought. Keep sending your questions to askdrtims@gmail.com
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Conductor Laureate of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. http://www.timseelig.com/
Ask Dr. Tim
Published on January 16, 2025
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