By Dr. Tim Seelig–
Have you ever wanted something bad enough to beg, borrow, or steal to get it? Be honest! It’s actually quite a good exercise. Take a moment here to ponder.
I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking about this lately, but it popped into my mind and got stuck there. In the big picture, I think I’ve really only wanted one thing badly enough that I would do anything to get it: become an opera singer.
From the moment I first mouthed the random words “I want to be an opera singer” at age 17 until I arrived on the opera stage as the lead baritone with the Swiss National Opera at age 30, I left no stone unturned. I begged, certainly borrowed, and stole a lot of time and energy from everyone in my life—including my then wife and 2 tiny toddlers—to get there. Was it worth it? That’s a story for another article for sure.
Begging is hard. It’s really not in my personality profile to beg. I think I’ve only begged people to do things that are best for them. (I hope you laughed at that!) I’ve dared people to do crazy things, but don’t think I begged. Even my doggie Tater Tot doesn’t beg for treats. He doesn’t need to. He’s got us trained.
For those of us living in big cities, thinking about begging takes us to dark places. It immediately conjures the almost daily picture of some less fortunate among us having to beg us to provide for them. Heartbreaking. No, I am not one of those who believe it is their own shortcoming that has left them no alternative but to beg. We share in the responsibility. Food scarcity is a societal problem. Yes, my liberal roots are showing. Having to beg for anything is usually indicative that a system is broken.
Stealing. I’ve thought and thought about this. Except for the mention of stealing time and energy, I don’t actually think I have stolen a physical item. I was a perfect child, meaning I was scared spitless of any consequences that might come from such a sin. Oh, yes, stealing was definitely on the list of deadly sins for a 7-year-old. Bobby Jo, also a sinner at 12, stole gummy worms from the Rite Aid down the block from his house. I tried to make him feel guilty but he said the statute of limitations has elapsed and reminded me of something I say all the time: “I can’t make you feel guilty, only you can do that for yourself.” He chooses not to.
Borrowing. This is where my mind landed. At 71, borrowing has been a part of my entire life. A little background is necessary.
I’ve borrowed a lot of LGBTQ+ choirs. It’s almost 35 years since I started conducting my first LGBTQ+ chorus. At one point, I was conducting the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus and guest conducting the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles and the Denver Gay Men’s Chorus—all at the same time! Earlier in my career, I co-founded a lesbian chorus and a mixed chorus of LGBTQ+ and Allies. For 2 years, I held the position of Artistic Director in Residence for GALA Choruses, working with 40 choruses in North America and Europe. All of them “borrowed.”
That’s a lot of concerts, lots of singers and lots of songs. Literally thousands.
Songs are like children. They come to you in different ways. Some you help create yourself; some you adopt. You nurture them all. You groom them, prune them, coax them, polish them, and then you present your bouncing babies to an eager public for a first peek, hoping they think they are as beautiful as you do. (Aside: not all babies are beautiful.) If you want to know a moment I was frightened, it’s when I had to get permission to make an edit to one of Stephen Schwartz’s songs! (Stephen, if you don’t know, is the composer of the musicals Wicked, Godspell, and countless other incredible music wonders.) We’ve developed a close enough partnership that he trusted my judgement.
And, no, you can’t choose a favorite song, just as you don’t have a favorite child—or grandchild, now, for me. Each song meets you at a different place and a different time. One speaks to you deeply and then another touches a different part of your soul. And yes, we Song People are fickle lovers of the worst kind! If we weren’t, the top music charts would be pretty stagnant.
There is a song I recorded with my former chorus in Dallas that has been an ear worm for several months, ringing even more true now than when we recorded it some 15 years ago. Part of it is the time of my life. But it is much more than that.
The song title is “We Live on Borrowed Time.” It is by the amazing composer John Bucchino. If you don’t know his work, Google him and prepare to be touched deeply. His song “Grateful” comes in 2nd on my list of “faves”!
We live on borrowed time
No one can be sure
When the loan will finally come due.
Of course, the message is a broad one. Actually, I do know the maturation date on one loan. My “waving my arms at the gays” loan is coming due in about 4 ½ months! But there’s so much more to the song than the inevitable end of a job.
The truth is, it is not just time we have borrowed. We’ve borrowed everything. We’ve actually borrowed everything that has filled and continues to fill our lives.
None of it is really ours to claim. It can be taken in the blink of an eye. Loan due. Give it back. Wasn’t yours to begin with. Just on loan. We’ve certainly borrowed trouble. And many times, we’ve borrowed trouble from the future that never actually happened.
Let’s start with the “borrowed” land each of you is sitting or standing on as you read this article. Oh wait … we actually stole it. There’s an important and obvious distinction between borrowing and outright stealing! I wish I could say we borrowed the land on which we live. That would indicate a hope that someday we might return it to the rightful owners. I am grateful that our chorus acknowledges this now at our concerts and events!
The San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus respectfully acknowledges the Ramaytush Ohlone, the original inhabitants of what is now the San Francisco Peninsula. We further acknowledge that the greater Bay Area is the ancestral territory of the Miwok, Yokuts, Pomos, and Patwin, as well as other Ohlone peoples. Indigenous communities have lived in and moved through this land over hundreds of generations, and Indigenous peoples from many nations make their home in this region today. Please join us in recognizing and honoring their ancestors, descendants, elders, and all other members of their communities.
This can never make up for the land we stole, but it is an important step.
Making a list of the things we have borrowed could take another lifetime.
Sugar from a neighbor. Did you really intend to return it?
Money for a car, a condo, and last night’s sushi.
Sayings, humor, thoughts. (OK, some were stolen.)
Ear to listen.
Shoulder to cry on.
And every possible tux part after I arrived to conduct missing a bow tie, vest, studs, AIDS ribbon and, yes, once even my pants.
I’ve often heard it said our children are loaned to us as parents. Few are more aware of that than I since the loan came due way too early on my Corianna. For those of us left behind, that was a loan that ended way too soon. I keep checking with the lender on that. No answer. As someone who is HIV+ and having watched hundreds of friends’ loans come due too soon, it is even more true. Yes, I suffer from survivors’ guilt.
Some days, I feel everything I do or say has been borrowed. All days, I know that everything I have is on loan. These days, I count all of the things as blessings. It is a given when borrowing that the intention is to repay or give it back some day. I hope I have done just that. I hope I have paid forward all of the goodness and kindness showered on me throughout my life. I’ll keep checking that balance in the days to come to make sure I am paying those loans back with interest.
My hope is that you will pause and check your own loans, balances, and due dates. And, join me in being grateful that they were all there to borrow.
I’ll leave you with some final lyrics from “We Live on Borrowed Time.” Thank you for walking this path with me and loaning me your time to read these articles.
We live on borrowed time
Let’s celebrate and sing
As we walk bravely into the unknown
‘Cause we’re gonna be just fine
Whatever life may bring
We’ll face it all together
And we’ll never be alone
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Artistic Director of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.
Published on February 24, 2022
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