Boyhood Reimagined

By Jewel Gomez –

Women and men are raised to be natural enemies by parents, teachers, mainstream media, religions, corporations, and just about any cultural influencer there is. In very few cases is it the norm for girls and boys to be taught to be equal and interdependent, or friends. Even in the 21st century, the stereotypes are reinforced. While males, of course, suffer existential damage, it’s females who are most often asked to contort ourselves to meet patriarchal expectations.

I have no children so have watched this happen from afar with friends and their children. Lesbian feminists are not especially better at the task of raising humans who behave equitably toward each other. We too are shaped by the misogyny that surrounds us. On the occasions when I encounter successful attempts to counter several millennia of backward thinking, it’s then I can imagine the possibility of surviving the disaster that is the current administration and its social fallout.

Some of the successes, though, are documented in the book Boyhood Reimagined, a collection of stories of queer moms raising sons. Robin Lowey (author/editor of Game Changers), one of the contributors, sent me a copy of the book because she knows I’ve watched her social media posts about raising her sons for more than a decade. She accurately pinpoints the struggle women face starting in childhood: “the systematic dismantling of [my] bravado” leaves women (lesbians and non-lesbians) floundering in a deep sea when the most many of us can do is learn to tread water. Educating a growing male being has to be more than saying “just hang on,” but where are we meant to find the energy, ideas, and determination to accomplish that?

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The book offers 25 short essays about the challenges and joys of raising sons. What is common in each piece is the acknowledgement of how the mothers had to unlearn so much of their own self-defeating behavior in order to make them and their boys stronger and more whole. In this period when gender is being acknowledged as more fluid than had previously been taught, it is even more valuable to instill feminist, respectful philosophy in all children. They will have a more successful and fulfilling life if they understand that being a macho man or a fairy or a transman is distinctly different, and, at the same time, these are individual identities to be respected.

A point that Robin makes in her essay is really a simple one but is at the core of social change: “Boys should be taught how to communicate and to explore and express their feelings and be kind and helpful to others.” Believe it or not, a parent learning how to address a young son’s concern that his sheets are “too pretty” (from essay by Devon Ward) is where we can start to make a safer world where women aren’t preyed upon and men discuss differences rather than shoot at them.

Before getting pregnant, Robin made use of the amazing workbook Considering Parenthood by the late Cheri Pies, which gives practical information and exercises to help a lesbian make the decision whether or not to have a child. However, Robin ultimately figures out that it can’t be a totally rational decision. (Although the book showed me I’d rather write novels than have a child.)

While there are so many commonalities in childrearing situations, cultural differences can be significant. Fortunately, there are several other books on the market that can contribute to the knowledge. But this book has one thing you probably can’t find anywhere: an essay by Jolivette Mecenas, “A Punk Playlist for Queer Moms Raising Feminist Boys!”

Jewelle Gomez is a lesbian/feminist activist, novelist, poet, and playwright. She’s written for “The Advocate,” “Ms. Magazine,” “Black Scholar,” “The San Francisco Chronicle,” “The New York Times,” and “The Village Voice.” Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @VampyreVamp

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Published on November 11, 2025