Coming out is a very personal process. Some, like my husband, did it during high school. Some wait until college or later, while others might choose to stay in the closet their entire life for various reasons. I always knew that there was something unique about me. Paying more attention to my sister’s handsome boyfriends than my female friends was probably a big fabulous clue. For some reason, though, I didn’t feel ready yet to come out to the whole world as “gay” until Trevor, my college sweetheart of 11 years, and I started dating in 2005.
It is wonderful how much American society has grown over the last couple of decades, where queer people are starting to come out much earlier. In some areas of the country, being an openly LGBT candidate for public office is now seen as an asset, rather than a liability. That being said, there are still many who struggle to openly live their gender identity or sexual orientation.
One of the most surprising parts of serving as an openly gay elected official is how people come up to me and share how inspirational it is to see me living my life openly. It is an incredibly humbling experience, especially being able to show young kids of color, that you can be Black, Asian, Latino—and, yes, gay—and have a rewarding career.
In April I was able to share my story as a keynote speaker with LGBTQ students at UC Berkeley’s 2016 Lavender Graduation. One of the other speakers shared that, even though she came out a long time ago, starting a new job or internship made her worry about the way she dressed, talked, or behaved. What would her colleagues think? Would she fit in? What is the appropriate dress code?
This point of her story was very powerful and stayed with me for a while. Do we ever really stop coming out, or are we kind of like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, perpetually having to let people know who we are? A week doesn’t go by without someone asking about my wife after seeing my wedding ring. Do I correct them or should I play along not to embarrass them?
Last month I travelled to the East Coast to attend my father’s funeral. This would be the first time in almost 20 years that I would see some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Here I am, a 33-year-old proud gay man, and yet I was nervous about seeing my Black family and introducing my Vietnamese husband. How would they react? Would I cause a scene at the memorial? Would Trevor be ok?
I quickly realized that those concerns were more a reflection of my own insecurities. From my 80+-year-old aunt down, my family was so happy to meet Trevor. He was even acknowledged during the ceremony and my relatives did everything to make him feel part of the team. I guess part of coming out is also coming out to yourself and accepting the person we are meant to be.
This year marks the 47th Pride Parade. Let’s all come out together and celebrate how fabulous our diverse community is. Stop worrying about what others might think and just be. Happy Pride!
Alex Randolph is a Trustee for City College of San Francisco. He previously served in President Obama’s administration and as an LGBT advisor for Mayor Newsom. He lives in the Castro with his partner Trevor. Follow him on social media: www.twitter.com/adrandolph & www.facebook.com/AlexDRandolph
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