By Brent Hensley–
Let’s be honest. Conversations about senior care and senior living may not be glamorous subjects and they probably won’t be the most welcomed topics at your next dinner party. The tricky subject of age and how to plan for and cope with the many accompanying life changes associated with getting older is something many of us in the LGBTQ+ community would rather avoid. Over the holidays, you might have noticed changes in a friend or family member’s overall health, cognitive or physical decline, or even some emotional issues such as depression, loneliness, or lack of social connections. The new year is a good time to start focusing on aging and to begin planning for what our senior loved ones might require in the not-too-distant future.
Several years ago, I had a proverbial mid-life crisis that was centered on my career in tech but also had cascading effects on many other aspects of my life. I wanted to pursue something that would give me more connection to my community and a bigger purpose. With the help of a talented business coach, the loving support from my partner, and a lot of soul searching, I found the senior living industry. (Or maybe it found me.) Guiding families in making the right senior care and living decisions is abundantly fulfilling for me and has given me a mission to educate seniors and their families in the LGBTQ+ community and beyond.
Understanding the Growing Need and Costs for Senior Care
It is estimated that 70% of all Americans age 65+ will need some type of long-term care in their lifetime. As this segment of the population grows, it becomes even more important to start planning ahead for ourselves and our loved ones. Unfortunately, senior living options such as assisted living, memory care, and long-term skilled nursing (nursing homes) are often an out-of-pocket expense.
Long-term care insurance needed to cover in-home care, assisted living, and long-term skilled nursing costs can be prohibitively expensive. The average cost of a studio in an assisted living community in San Francisco is $6,300 per month plus care costs. Average monthly costs for memory care (specialized care for seniors with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia) and long-term skilled nursing are even higher and they continue to increase every year.
Unique Challenges for LGBTQ+ Seniors
The LGBTQ+ community is unique in that many seniors, due to various circumstances, do not have immediate family members who are local. As we age, many of our friends either move away or pass away and our support network becomes increasingly smaller. We often rely on neighbors or other city programs for assistance. Our community in San Francisco is fortunate to have many senior-focused programs provided by organizations such as OnLok, Openhouse, and the Institute on Aging.
The LGBTQ+ seniors in our community are also more vulnerable to the detrimental effects of isolation and loneliness. As we age, our mobility declines, which often prevents us from going out and engaging with others. Due to less local family support and shrinking social circles, the seniors in our community are at greater risk of losing social connections that may lead to loneliness and feeling that they lack purpose. In fact, many recent studies show that lack of social interactions as we age have huge impacts on our overall health, cognition, and longevity.
The Dangers of Failing to Plan Ahead
A large majority of seniors prefer to stay at home as they age. Misconceptions and fears about home care and assisted living drive many older adults to delay seeking help. Many seniors would rather remain at home even though they cannot adequately care for themselves. Far too often it’s an injury resulting from a fall that necessitates a senior to move out of their home and into an assisted living situation. In San Francisco, the difficulties for a senior to stay at home are exacerbated by hilly streets and the multiple levels and many steps required to access and navigate within the home.
Advanced planning and making timely decisions are critical for seniors who require assisted living or memory care. If a senior waits too long to make a decision to transition to assisted living, the delay can seriously limit what choices are available to them. Also, when a decision must be made quickly, as opposed to planning in advance, the expedited nature of the transition can dramatically increase the care costs for a senior moving into a community. I often see seniors and their families caught off guard without having a plan in place. When a sudden decline in mobility or cognition forces a change, it causes the decision-making process to be more complex and difficult for all involved. During a health crisis, it’s challenging and stressful to navigate legal paperwork. It’s also a burden to understand and unravel finances while at the same time making difficult senior care decisions.
Starting the Planning Process
As a starting point, here are some initial steps for proactive senior care planning:
Legal Documentation: Establish advanced care directives, designate a power of attorney and create a property and living will as well as an estate plan.
Insurance Review: Review and understand existing long-term care insurance policies. In the case of cognitive decline, resulting from dementia or general cognitive impairment due to aging, friends and family members often have to assist seniors in making decisions. While this is a compassionate attempt to do what is best for the senior, in many situations, family members are reluctant or even refuse to intervene. This indecision may result in injuries to seniors and a further decline in their health. This can be especially difficult for children of the senior as the parent/child dynamic is confusing and upsetting for both. As loving family members or friends, we always want what’s best for our parents, older family members, or other senior loved ones in our lives, and it’s sometimes necessary to make difficult decisions on their behalf.
My Personal Lessons in 2024
In 2024 I had my own personal challenges. I searched for and found an assisted living community for my own parents. Shortly after they moved into the community together, my father passed away. While grieving the death of my father, my partner and I began looking for a memory care community for my mother-in-law in Germany. These experiences have taught me that there are no cookie cutter plans for families to follow. Every senior’s situation is different. It’s not about “getting it right.” It’s about making the very best informed decisions with as much planning as possible.
Conclusion
Planning for decisions about senior care might be something we would rather not think about, but starting a conversation and making a plan to ensure that our loved seniors have the best possible care is something we can all work towards. It’s a new year and I encourage you to ground yourself in the love you have for the seniors in your life and start planning to help them live longer, healthier, and more engaged lives.
Brent Hensley is the Owner and Senior Care Advisor at Assisted Living Locators of San Francisco and San Mateo County.
http://www.assistedlivinglocators.com/sanfrancisco
Dr. Marcy Adelman oversees the Aging in Community column. For her summary of current LGBT senior challenges an opportunities, please go to: http://sfbaytimes.com/challenges-and-opportunties/
Alegre Home Care is proud to support Dr. Marcy Adelman’s Aging in Community column in the San Francisco Bay Times.
Aging in Community
Published on January 30, 2025
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