By Dr. Frankie Bashan–
Maybe you’ve been single for a while, or maybe your date seems too good to be true. But when you’re trying to put your best foot forward in the dating world, doubt and self-consciousness can prevent you from being bold.
As a lesbian dating coach, I hear from women of all ages, types and careers who are struggling with the same thing: feeling confident on a date. No amount of money, success or privilege makes you immune to these feelings. The good news? Gaining confidence is completely possible. By putting into practice the simple tips below, you’ll feel more confident and lesbian dating won’t be quite as daunting.
Consider what confidence really is.
According to Forbes magazine, “people often think of confidence as a behavior only a lucky few are born with and the rest of us are left wishing for. Not true. Confidence is not a fixed attribute; it’s the outcome of the thoughts we think and the actions we take. It is not based on your actual ability to succeed at a task but your belief in your ability to succeed.”
For example: Do you believe in your ability to go on a first date? Do you believe in your ability to carry a conversation? Do you believe in your ability to speak to a stranger?
Feeling more confident about lesbian dating isn’t about dating at all. It’s about how you feel about yourself. If you’re unhappy with the way you look, feel discouraged by your dating options or your expectations are too high, feeling more confident about lesbian dating will not be easy. You need to do a deep dive and change your mindset, believe in yourself, remember why people love you and take extra care of yourself. You also need to do things that you find “impossible.
Transform the impossible into possible.
Think about how you feel after you’ve achieved something that you’ve been working on very hard. Victorious? Courageous? Confident? Yes!
When you achieve a goal that you consider to be “impossible,” your confidence grows. Why? Because you took a risk.
Risks are defined by the individual. The key is to find the thing that you consider to be risky and to go for it. Maybe you’re a rock climber, but not a public speaker. If so, you could join a business association and speak about a topic that you’re familiar with. Or maybe you’re not particularly sporty, but you’ve always wanted to finish a marathon. You might then join a training group and work toward your goal.
Alex Malley, bestselling author of The Naked CEO, says, “The only way to build self-confidence is to take a risk and take action despite your fear of failure, messing up or embarrassment. If things work out, then you now know you can do more than you think. If things don’t work out, you now know that you can handle more than you think. Either way, you’re better off.”
It’s risky to go on a date. It’s risky to run a marathon. It’s risky to start your own business. But the only way you’re going to grow is by tackling the very things that scare you. The confidence boost you’ll feel afterward may be just what you need.
Change your mindset.
It’s a bit easy to get carried away when initially meeting someone, especially when this is the first good connection made in a while.
Some people get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new and think too much about winning over that person’s affection and getting a relationship label. During moments like those, take a deep breath to calm those stomach butterflies. Think about why people date in the first place.
Going on dates with someone new is meant to be fun. You are getting to know them as another human soul, and vice versa. This is where you get to hear stories about another person’s life, and in the process figure out your chemistry. The more you focus on getting to know the person rather than worrying about whether they would like you, the more you’ll be able to calm your self-doubt. As they say, it’s not entirely about the destination. It’s about the journey.
Love yourself.
Loving your personality and how you look is a crucial step in feeling confident. I wrote in a previous article on my website that it’s far too easy to hold ourselves to an impossible standard in the age of social media and curated feeds. People are drawn to others who are comfortable with themselves and have an enriched life.
That being said, there’s no harm in trying new styles and grooming habits that make you look and feel like a million bucks. It’s the key to expressing your most authentic and best self. If you feel pressured to keep up a certain appearance, you’ll end up feeling miserable.
Reach out to your friend circle.
Sometimes people over-analyze text messages, social media posts and conversations. These actions are driven by the fear that the person we are trying to woo can suddenly be uninterested in dating us at the drop of a hat. During such times, think of the people whom you trust most in the world, the ones who have been in your corner since day one. These people choose to keep you in their lives and they truly care. Don’t be afraid to lean on your friends when you’re feeling insecure, and believe them when they tell you how wonderful you are.
Indulge in self-care.
It’s very important to date from a healthy mental place. Whether it’s coloring, deleting apps, exercise or therapy, developing habits allows you to press a reset button on your anxiety. Pursue passions that provide some enrichment outside of a romantic relationship like club sports, volunteering and industry organizations. Doing something that you love is not only good for the soul, but also it makes you more attractive to potential partners.
Are you feeling more confident about lesbian dating yet? Maybe now, after reading this, you’re still struggling with more than just a lack of confidence. If so, I encourage you to reach out to a professional. If you can’t honestly say, “I love myself,” or you have heavy feelings of inadequacy or sadness, get help. Even a few sessions with a psychologist and/or dating coaching can set you on the right path.
With consistent effort, and the courage to take a risk, we can gradually expand our confidence, and with it, our capacity to build more of it!
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a psychologist, matchmaker and relationship guru who has been using her psychology background combined with technology and personalized algorithms to successfully match lesbian couples nationwide. As the founder of Little Gay Book, the only exclusively lesbian/bi matchmaking agency in the U.S., she helps women in every state to find authentic, healthy, righteous, full-blown love and she knows what makes relationships tick. For more info: https://www.littlegaybook.com/
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