By Dr. Tim Seelig–
The big Pride Month is over in most states. Portland Pride is in mid-July, so I have a little more priding to do. I need to talk about the word pride. It has vastly different meanings to different slices of humanity. For a large swath, it is a trigger word and one that the LGBTQ+ community may have appropriated from the “other” side.
Pride cometh before a fall.
That message was drummed into my brain as a little boy in the pew of our Southern Baptist Church in Texas. It comes from Proverbs 11:2. “When pride comes, then comes disgrace.” Pride is, after all, one of the Seven Deadly Sins! If you did not grow up anywhere near evangelical Christianity or the Bible, good for you. In case you thought, “Oh, it can’t be that bad,” it was.
It took no time at all to search the use of pride in fundamentalist jargon. They really do love to beat folks down who exhibit the least bit of self-worth. One sermon brought me to a full stop. I found a delicious sermon by Pastor Natasha Penny from Hope Bible Church titled “The Fruits of Pride.” It sounded like the perfect theme for a Pride parade float. In the “you can’t make this up” category, the pastor dove even more deeply into the topic; she literally ended by listing the “Fifty Fruits of Pride.” I thought this would be a great name for a choir! A couple special points were:
Ouch! But even Psychology Today has some less than flattering things to say about pride: “Pride is often driven by poor self-worth and shame.” So, all of this makes one wonder again how we chose this word to describe our best selves.
These and other demoralizing messages were beat into those of us who grew up in church. But for me, there was also something wonderful that came from those same pews: a love of music. I set out to be “The Best Little Boy in the World” to distract everyone from the turmoil inside. I was good at the music thing. With each degree, award, and accomplishment, my parents were there to remind me that I was to give God all the glory and take none for myself. I did what they said. But I was the one sitting in class, voice lessons, practice rooms, studying languages, and memorizing whole operas. To my parents and the church, taking any credit would be the pride that would bring a fall.
At the ripe young age of 20, my struggle reached a dangerous depth. I told my parents I needed to talk to someone. They found a Christian psychiatrist 30 miles from my college. They assumed I was going to see him because of my struggle with pride. It was only half of the reason. I’m pretty sure I walked in and blurted out, “I think I am a homosexual!” It was 1971. He gave me a long test full of scripture. He graded the test and announced I was not gay. I was definitely proud of that! So, I shut up and stayed in the closet, giving God the glory for the next 15 years.
When I came out, I did not understand why I was supposed to be proud of being gay. It was hard! I had struggled mightily to accept the truth that I was “born this way.” It was not a choice. If I believed that, how could I be proud of it? We still fight the perception that being gay is a choice we make. I’m not proud of any of the other things I was born with. It just didn’t seem to make sense. Being proud should be about something you did or something you achieved or overcame.
After 35 years of resisting and being scared to death of the sin of pride, it was a difficult switch suddenly to the world of celebrating PRIDE (all caps). I wondered when the gays appropriated the word pride from the church. How did it go from the greatest sin to parades? I am certain they are not OK with us stealing one of their favorite sins and turning it into rainbow flags! They are not happy with many of us completely deleting the word and concept of sin from our life lexicon. I have a sneaky feeling our liberal use of the word pride gets under the fundies’ skin.
In 1987, I jumped from the evangelical frying pan right into the fire of being an LGBTQ leader. As the years went by leading hundreds of LGBTQ+ singers, I began to hear their stories—each one of courage and thriving and finding joy. I heard the hurt in their voices, but also the pride that they had made it. Ah, that was the pride thing.
I heard them describe their pride in overcoming. I heard their pride in taking even a small part in the fight for equal rights. I heard the pride in the way they described the chorus community they had joined. My transformation came full circle when, in 2017, I rode with my granddaughter Clara in the San Francisco Pride Parade Grand Marshal car representing the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. You don’t get much gayer. Or prouder!
All this talk about pride made me wonder when we started using the word to describe us. What a fascinating path that took me. The first parade/march was held in New York City, June 28, 1970. It was the Christopher Street Liberation Day March. On the same day, against enormous odds, L.A. held the Christopher Street West Parade. The L.A. Police Chief said a march of homosexuals would “discommode the public” and he would have to allow “thieves and burglars” to parade next.
The first events resembling the modern San Francisco Pride parade and Celebration were held on the last weekend of June 1970. Organized by the San Francisco Gay Liberation Front, a march included 20 to 30 people who walked from Aquatic Park to Civic Center on Polk Street on Saturday, June 27. The following afternoon, a “Christopher Street Liberation Day Gay-In” brought some 200 people to Golden Gate Park. The gathering was raided by officers from the SF Police Department on Hondas and on horseback, with seven people taken into custody at Park Station, then released without charges.
Everything I read described those early marches as incredibly empowering, but there was no use of the word pride. NYC activist L. Craig Schoonmaker was the one who had suggested the word “pride” rather than the phrase “gay power.” “There’s very little chance for people in the world to have power. People did not have power then; even now. But anyone can have pride in themselves.” Those early courageous folks began to make the change and we’ve never looked back.
My response to music-making after coming out was completely different. I was proud of it! I was proud of every single singer in every one of my choruses. I was proud of the activism and outreach. I was proud of the work we did through two pandemics. I was proud of the music we made, recordings, documentaries, tours. I took great pride in every accomplishment. What a difference a little therapy made. Wait, a lot of therapy.
For me, Pride did not cometh before the fall. For me, Pride cameth after my fall. I still suffer from PTSD from 35 years of indoctrination and brainwashing. I am very happy to say that the word pride is no longer one of the causes.
We have a lot of reasons to be proud. Some of those have been slipping away recently. It’s time to turn the heat back up. It’s time to let them know that the massive pride we feel at how far we have come will not be diminished. It is time to fight back … like those who went before us were willing to do. There is no turning back.
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Conductor Laureate of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. http://www.timseelig.com/
TLC: Tears, Laughs and Conversation
Published on July 13, 2023
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