By Dr. Tim Seelig–
It is with great sadness I report the death of my dear friend, Decency. Unfortunately, their siblings Etiquette, Civility, and Manners died, too. They succumbed after a fairly short decline, considering how long they had been around. Many people along the way did their best to keep them alive, but in the end, even those folks stopped the CPR. Now, all we have are memories and stories. When we talk about the good old days, the younger generations won’t have much context.
This is not how we grew up. We have seen and heard things we never thought mature adult human beings would say to and about each other—and in public! Such things would have landed us in “Time Out,” grounded, or much worse. We might even have had our mouths washed out with soap.
My Mother grew up in west Texas, one of five siblings. She was born in 1923, and her family lived through the Depression and the roller coaster of oil booms and busts. During a boom, my grandfather became a county judge and was ultimately elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1936. My grandmother knew overalls weren’t going to cut it, so she brought in a seamstress to make entirely new wardrobes for the family as they changed their domicile from the family farm (with oil wells) to a rather palatial home in Washington, D.C. A little bit Beverly Hillbillies.
Along with the clothes, each was given their own copy of Emily Post’s book, Etiquette. This was the Bible of polite society, and the children of members of Congress were expected to know the manners of the day. It was a long trip from Texas to Washington, so they had plenty of time to learn its lessons. Mom became besties with Margaret Truman.
You may not know the urtext of manners. Emily Post wrote the book in 1922, published by Funk & Wagnalls. (Yes, they existed.) It was a different time, of course. People were just nicer. And they cared. Everyone was trying their best to be nice and make people nice! They believed in that old school Golden Rule.
Countless voices were singing the manners tune. In 1940, Emily Post syndicated her newspaper column, “Social Problems.” She received more than 5,000 letters a week. In 1955, the Ann Landers column was taken over by Esther Lederer. She was wildly successful and continued writing for 56 years. One year later, in 1956, Esther’s twin sister, Pauline Phillips, started her own column, “Dear Abby.” She became a household word. By 2016, she had a readership of 110 million. The twins had quite the rivalry.
If that weren’t enough, in 1978, Miss Manners arrived. Judith Martin’s Miss Manners column chronicled American manners’ continuous rise and fall. She wrote: “You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, but if you behave in a way that offends the people you’re trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you!”
Maybe Etiquette is dying or dead, but Emily Post’s great-great-grandchildren just published the centennial edition of Etiquette! While much of the content has remained intact, such as table manners, gift-giving, and thank-you notes, it has added so much more. The new edition includes tech etiquette, video meetings, AI, rideshares, and tipping.
They’ve included a section on transgender and non-binary families and pronouns. They give great advice—and had some fun, too.
• If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, asking is the polite thing to do: “Joan, what pronouns do you use?” You don’t ask what pronouns Joan “prefers.”
• Using only emojis in your texts, saying LOL, or continually replying with “K” or a thumbs-up emoji is immature.
• The number one dining deal-breaker is chewing with your mouth open or talking with your mouth full. Showing or showering people with the food that you are masticating is absolutely gross.
For some odd reason, I know all the above advice columnists. Thanks, Mom. While some of them went off the rails on occasion, for the most part, they always landed on the side of kindness and even equality. But they are/were all women! I googled gay advice columnist. Of course, it was Dan Savage! Hardly Emily Post; he does answer people’s questions about a variety of topics. It is not so much dinner etiquette but more how to write a thank you note after a night of kink.
This whole topic came to mind due to the insane world we wake up in these days, where people feel free to hurl all kinds of insults at others. We see it on television, podcasts, and in line at Starbucks when the barista messes up an order. It was frightening to watch the mini-drama series Beef, which oh so vividly proves the death of civility perfectly.
It’s hard to say when its decline began. In the public discourse, we might look at Rush Limbaugh, whose radio show began in 1984. In the 1990s, then-House Speaker Newt Gingrich pioneered a style of partisan combat that included name-calling, conspiracy theories, and strategic obstructionism. This paved the path for Trump.
Reuters reports on an American Bar Association poll done in 2023. 85% of the respondents said civility is worse now than ten years ago. 29% blamed social media, 24% said it was the media, 19% said public officials.
Author Fred Parry says, “The best way to change society is to storm the Capitol, burn buildings, and interrupt lectures and governmental proceedings with bullhorns, angry chants, and pumping fists. Maintaining any sense of decorum or abiding by mutually agreed-upon rules and guidelines has become an affront to the injustices baked into our culture. It’s been said that the United States is as close to a Civil War as it was when the last one ended in 1865. We’ve lost our ability to find common ground, debate honestly, and extend a modicum of respect to those with whom we disagree.”
This rabbit hole was incredibly depressing. Where did it leave me? In a quandary. On one hand, being kind and respectful to others is deeply ingrained in my DNA. Recently, I found myself falling prey to what Mr. Gingrich introduced: If you disagree with me, you’re the enemy. I find myself angry, helpless, and even hopeless.
So, what am I going to do? Well, mostly put one foot in front of the other and continue to treat people with respect. As you are reading this, I am in Minneapolis with 7,000+ LGBTQ+ singers from around the world for the International GALA Festival. There will be 200 performances in five days. The entire thing will be livestreamed, and I am a co-host for the entire thing! That’s what I’m going to do. Keep singing, lifting up my queer family, support candidates who care about us, and getting ready to vote!
Maybe we can resuscitate decency in our little corner of the world.
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Conductor Laureate of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.
Dr. Tim Seelig is the Conductor Laureate of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. http://www.timseelig.com/
TLC: Tears, Laughs and Conversation
Published on July 11, 2024
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