Wedding ceremonies can be nerve-racking. As an officiant, I see my role as similar to an anchor; someone couples can lean on for support. So, typically, the first thing I say at a wedding is directed just to the couple, sotto voce, inquiring whether they are breathing and whether they are present.

I then welcome all those in attendance, including a personal tidbit or two. For example, in one of my recent pre-ceremony meetings, Evelyn shared with me that she sees love as being pervasive. She asked me to let her family and friends know this in the ceremony by expressing the couple’s intention that love would spread.

The couple hoped that during the ceremony there would be moments of levity and moments of solemnity. They recognized that love and commitment are not synonymous. I shared that sentiment with their guests during the event. I then said that the couple was thrilled to gather their families and friends, thereby creating a community of support, acknowledgement, and affirmation.

My welcome was tailored to the couple, as I was paraphrasing the thoughts they had previously shared with me. This particular wedding ceremony was intimate and infused with love and emotion. I attribute this, in part, to the couple, who were so open in sharing their thoughts with me that I could step back and allow the couple’s own words to shine.

Their thoughts continued to be the centerpiece of the ceremony as each partner read words that they had written for the other.

Evelyn told Robin:

“Today I give no promises broken or words un-kept, but instead I give you my choice: To work. To work for us. For our family is one we are born into and a spouse is the only one we choose. Today I choose you…I choose in the presence of those who have our hearts and lives combined…I’ll choose to listen to you, to the heart of the matter, to hear your true needs. To respect and consider and weigh your opinions and feelings. I choose to celebrate you, your strengths, your accomplishments, your goals and vision…In this small life, I give you, and will continually choose to give you again and again, my love, my support, my ear, my best, my worst, and my work to do what it takes to be your family.”

Then Robin, choking back tears, read these words to Evelyn:

“The truth is, if I were to compare you to anything it’d be a blindingly brilliant star, somehow brighter than all your surroundings despite the daylight, simultaneously impossible and simple to describe. Any attempt to list your best qualities is futile, though thankfully we have the rest of our lives to do so, but for now I’ll just say that you are compassionate, inquisitive, generous, attentive, humble, wise, and gorgeous in every way. You get my jokes, can read my writing, and support whatever I want to be when I grow up. Every new day with you is a priceless gift, which I can’t possibly deserve, but gladly accept and treasure.

A few days ago, I had a dream in which we were standing in our kitchen. This in itself is not at all how my dreams have typically gone. (For) most of my life, the dreams I’ve remembered have been entirely invented realities—rarely have I even been myself in them. But here, we’re just standing in the kitchen, talking. I don’t remember how the topic comes up, but we start talking about bears, and moments later you’re growling and pawing the air pretending to be one. As the moment passes, your voice cracks or something and you inadvertently make some funny little, very not-bearish, squeaking sounds. We both find this immediately hilarious and burst out laughing. That’s it; that was the whole dream. I woke up so happy. And I realized, you are my dream.”

Evelyn and Robin were breathing and present from the start. Their words allowed the ceremony to reflect each of their personas and allowed all those present to get a glimpse into their relationship. Their dream was materializing into reality.

Howard M. Steiermann is an Ordained Ritual Facilitator based in San Francisco. For more information, please visit www.SFHoward.com