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    Renate and Kim’s Lesbian Marriage “Toolkit”



    Start to recognize the possibility of another kind of desire.

    Learn to know another kind of passion.

    Get curious about Slow Burn and experiment with it.

    Celebrate every step you make in this direction. (Slow Burn will last until death do you part.)

    Expect that in any long-term relationship some form of Hot-Burn-crisis will arise.

    Expect that one of you will fall in love with someone else, start flirting, be tempted and perhaps act out.

    Be prepared; it could be you.

    Imagine what it would take to come to complete, shared understanding.

    Consider the possibility of being forgiven.

    Realize that forgiveness and understanding are different names for the same thing.

    Consider this: the two of you might have a chance to begin all over again, both changed, more mature, more whole-hearted and loving.


    Don’t be a fool and throw in the towel the minute things start to cool off.

    Don’t blame your lover for things slowing down.

    Don’t constantly remind her of how she used to be when you first met.

    Don’t run out to look for the Hot Burn with someone else.

    Don’t compare your relationship to all the wild affairs you’ve had before (which obviously never lasted).

    Don’t compare your sexuality to your best friend’s. (She just fell in love.)

    Don’t brood; use a tool from the kit.

    Don’t harp; play with the tools.

    Don’t focus on what you don’t have.

    Don’t be a sex-perfectionist.

    Don’t think good enough is less than good enough.

    Kim Chernin and Renate Stendhal are prize-winning writers as well as relationship experts. After a cross-cultural relationship of 28 years, they are now a married couple. “Lesbian Marriage: A Love & Sex Forever Kit” is their third co-authored book. They follow their own advice most of the time! To learn more about them and their latest book, available on Amazon,  please visit

    See their other Bay Times articles here and here.