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    Not-So-Secret Secrets to Lesbian Dating Success

    By Dr. Frankie Bashan–

    On a daily basis, I talk to a lot of lesbians. Whether it’s at a Single Mingle event, in the course of a consultation or as a matchmaking client, I observe that these women are generally successful, funny, talented and healthy, yet are still lacking a partner.

    They come to me from a variety of situations. In some cases, their work is too demanding to allow time to search for a match. In others, they’ve been single for a period of time and want some professional assistance, or they simply want to widen their social network. Whatever the circumstances, these women tell me the same thing and herein lies Secret #1: Regardless of our identity, we all often want the same qualities in a partner.

    “She should have a sense of humor, a sense of fun, be healthy, have passion about something in her life, be able to go out and do things, but also be happy staying home and watching movies. She should be a superb conversationalist, have emotional intelligence, be financially secure, not have a drug problem and enjoy a glass of wine from time to time.”

    Sound like your perfect match? She is. Nearly all of the women I talk to describe their perfect match as this person.

    She exists. She’s right in front of you. She’s the woman in the bar with long hair, waiting patiently for you to pick her up. She’s the quiet nerdy girl at the cafe, typing furiously on her computer, or she’s the professional on the bus seat next to you, reading the newspaper. She’s right here, where you are standing. She wants to meet you just as much as you want to meet her.

    Secret #2: It’s a numbers game.

    Like any good salesperson will tell you, “Always be closing.” While that might sound harsh in regard to matters of the heart, it’s a simple reminder: If you want to find a partner, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.

    You have to go on a lot of dates with people you might not necessarily be attracted to or don’t know much about. And there’s beauty in this: You can meet someone new, find out her story, spend time getting to know her and enjoy the ride of where it might take you. It may last one date; it may last ten.

    The hard part isn’t finding someone who is funny, interesting and attractive. The hard part is finding someone who is compatible with you! Are you a serious homebody? Then someone with wanderlust isn’t going to be a good match. Are you an old-school butch looking for your high femme? Then you’re going to need to start picking up the girls with long hair (and not assuming they’re straight). Do you hate jazz? Then a jazz lover/musician might not work out so well.

    If the hard part is meeting someone who is funny, interesting and attractive, then do a couple of things. First, relax your expectations. Love at first sight, or knowing she’s “the one” at first glance, isn’t reality. Next, widen your net (just going out to the same places with your friends doesn’t count) and create time in your schedule to meet with strangers. We are all busy. We all would rather stay in our comfort zones, but if finding a partner is part of your New Year’s resolutions, make this a priority. I offer a ton more practical tips on how to put yourself out there on my website.

    The truth is, nearly all of us want the same thing in life: To love and to be loved. We all have an infinite capacity for love and finding it isn’t the problem—it’s finding someone who hates your music, for example, yet still loves you; that’s the real challenge.
    And the only way you’re going to find such as partner is if you date more people.

    We might suffer broken hearts, unmet expectations or betrayals, but if we allow ourselves to truly be present to the dating process, to grow and to understand that we nearly all want the same things, then we become less guarded, more aware and more open.

    I hope my not-so-secret lesbian dating secrets give you confidence and allow you to boldly step in the direction of finding the partner whom you deserve. Want more tips on lesbian dating? Curious about lesbian matchmaking? We provide matchmaking to professional women of all ages and in every U.S. state.

    Dr. Frankie Bashan is a psychologist, matchmaker and relationship guru who has been using her psychology background combined with technology and personalized algorithms to successfully match lesbian couples nationwide. As the founder of Little Gay Book, the only exclusively lesbian/bi matchmaking agency in the U.S., she helps women in every state to find authentic, healthy, righteous, full-blown love and she knows what makes relationships tick. For more info: