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    The Key to Empowering Ourselves

    By Scott Tsui–

    If your journey to love has been discouraging or despairing, this article could help you to find hope and to feel motivated about achieving relationship success.

    In this column so far, we’ve covered how the relational types—Natural, Learner, Blamer— impact the quality of our relationships and how self-awareness is the first of five elements of love.

    Today, we’ll cover the second element: motivation. 

    Rejection, cheating, lies, abandonment or “ghosting” destroy motivation. This is why many gay men lose the will to pursue, keep or repair relationships. They instead choose to replace them with friendships, family or pets—missing out on the magical experience of true intimacy.

    Sometimes we can feel that the odds are against us, easily believing that love will never happen and so we give up. I want to share my experience, which hopefully will inspire you.

    All of my dreams and hopes of spending the rest of my life with my first love vanished when my 15-year relationship failed, leaving me feeling pain, disappointment, frustration and devastated.  Deep down, I felt that I’d given my all and had done everything possible to maintain the relationship that I valued more than anything. Even though the relationship didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to, I acknowledged myself for trying to repair our disconnection.

    I could have decided to believe that love doesn’t exist and simply give up looking for a new special man to share my life with. I made the decision to pick myself up and feel motivated about finding that special someone. I believed that it was only a matter of time before I would meet the right person, as long as I remained hopeful. I researched and realized that relationships involve skills that can be learned. I had entered a new world of learning all I could about relationships, and essentially discovering more about myself. That hunger for knowledge fueled my motivation to learn and apply these skills in my own life.

    4 Steps to Staying Motivated When You Feel Like Giving Up

    1. Understand why.

    Why do you want to find that special someone? Why do you really want to love, and be loved? Love has many aspects; it could include how much love you want to give and receive as well as fulfilling our different levels of need. Some want to experience the magic of connection, adventure or physical touch, while for others, it’s more about companionship. We get to choose.

    1. Empower yourself.

    Think about past accomplishments that initially seemed impossible, and yet you succeeded. Along the journey you persisted and found a way, learning from mistakes to achieve your goal. How did that make you feel? What was that sense of pride and the satisfying feeling like? Rediscover those feelings to empower yourself again now.

    Whether dealing with sickness, death, unemployment or conflict, challenges will always be there. Personal growth and progress play important roles in our journey. There are other challenges in relationships to deal with. It’s a matter of adapting to new insights and skills and empowering ourselves to overcome them. Our strength comes from dealing with challenges.

    1. Find new meaning.

    Analyze negative experiences from positive perspectives. Be curious, and find an opportunity to embrace them as lessons learned instead of feeling hurt, judgmental, shame or embarrassment. Invest time to understand why people behave the way they do, and more importantly, understand why we behave or react the way we do. Why and how do we fall into those same traps? Learn from each experience; don’t judge. Don’t let anger, fear or negative emotions take control. Allow yourself the space to learn and discover new life patterns rather than repeating the same ones. Shift to learning mode. You’ll feel differently and will get away from the vicious cycle and break through.

    1. Take action.

    Improve those areas that were mentioned in the past self-awareness article, day by day. Be more patient and kinder towards yourself. Learn something new on a consistent basis and embrace progress. Read, attend workshops, begin the journey of self-development, get coaching, find mentors and role models, and do whatever you can to become wiser and stronger. Avoid anger and negative people. Become aware of red flags. Be giving, contribute towards others instead of just yourself. Prepare for a relationship.

    Growth fuels motivation to become a better, wiser and stronger person. Gain clarity, to help see other opportunities so that you no longer feel trapped and in the dark. If we are willing to change, take action and stop being passive, we’ll gain momentum to stay motivated and will overcome many challenges. Eventually, we’ll succeed.

    Scott Tsui is the Relationship Results Coach, author of “Lonely No More – 8 Steps to Find Your Gay Husband” and the creator of the world’s first online gay relationship training: Gay Men Relationship Blueprint. Tsui works to help gay men find, attract and sustain meaningful relationships. For more information: