Becoming Out

By Adam Sandel–

Coming out does not happen overnight. In my case, it was more of a long evening.

I guess I was always bisexual. I was attracted to both women and men during my formative years in L.A.—as a theatre kid in high school and then at UCLA. But I always dreamed of marrying a woman and raising children. And then I did.

I married a wonderful young woman and raised three beautiful daughters in Santa Cruz, supporting them by teaching English at several community colleges, and keeping a hand in show biz as an arts writer and film critic for the Santa Cruz Sentinel.

As time went on, certain things came into focus, including the fact that I was gay. After an amicable divorce, I felt the need to return to San Francisco, where my wife and I had attended grad school. This began the toughest transition of my life—from being a full-time dad to a single gay man. I would later capture the experience in my screenplay Dave’s New World.

I came out to my close friends and siblings while explaining our divorce. They all understood. My father had passed, but I’d postponed coming out to my mother, who had been fearful that I was gay throughout my teenage and college years.

Arriving in San Francisco, I was soon writing arts stories and celebrity interviews for The Bay Area Reporter and the San Francisco Examiner—which gave me great access to the local arts and LGBT communities.

One of my interviews for the BAR was with Carol Channing, who was doing a concert with the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. My mother was a fan of hers, so I clipped out the interview (making sure that there were no ads for escorts or bathhouses on the back) and sent it to her. My sister called me and said, “You’d better call Mom. She knows.”

My mother’s reasoning had been, “Why would they choose Adam to write a story about the Gay Men’s Chorus … ?” So, I rang her up and we had the talk. She ultimately understood, and ended by saying, “It’s a hard life.” I was determined to prove that it didn’t need to be. Nevertheless, Carol Channing outed me to my mother.

I also interviewed Ian McKellen, one of the first major actors to come out. He explained to me that there are many young people who are struggling with their sexuality. When someone who is well-known or admired comes out, it can help those who are struggling. I liked that idea.

One day my writing partner Richard Link (with whom I’d written a musical) suggested that we write a song for the Gay Games to be held that year in Sydney, Australia. I wrote the lyrics and he wrote the music to the song “Watch Me Shine,” an anthem of overcoming obstacles to be your true self. We took it to the then San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus Director Kathleen McGuire, who chose it for the group to perform at the Gay Games concert at the Sydney Opera House.

Needing to be there, I explained to the three deans at my three colleges why I had to be away for 10 days. This was my coming out to them. They were thrilled. I wasn’t out to my students, but as I was explaining my upcoming absence to my most conservative class in Livermore (where the boys wore John Deere hats), they kept asking about the song and the event. I finally said, “It’s called the Gay Games.” Silence. Then: “Can we hear the song?”

I took a breath and played the song, looking down as they listened. When the song ended, they applauded. It was a rough three minutes, but I figured that Ian McKellen would be proud of me. I’ve been out to my students ever since.

Hearing “Watch Me Shine” performed at the Sydney Opera House inspired us to write a musical revue of the same name, about the history of the LGBT experience. While researching the show, I realized that these are my people, our struggles, our accomplishments. The show premiered as an SF Pride event, and I’ll never forget feeling the audience react as one, as the songs tackled homophobia, AIDS, pride—and coming out.

Since media images are so vital, I spent six years volunteering for GLAAD, including three years as SF Leadership Council Chair and Co-Chair of the SF GLAAD Media Awards. Supporting LGBT immigrants is urgent, life-saving work, so I spent four years as a Founding Board Member and Director of Fundraising and Events for The LGBT Asylum Project. This work has brought me more satisfaction and friendships than I could possibly list here.

I’ve continued my creative projects, including the satirical web series The Gay Husbands of San Francisco (now on YouTube). Everything came full circle when I met my partner Christopher Goodwin, an actor and producer who had also been married to a woman and is raising a son. We’re collaborating on TV projects, and this year we celebrated our 3rd anniversary on Inauguration Day. New beginnings abound.

Becoming out was essential for me. But dedicating my time and talents to those who need it most has given me the greatest satisfaction.

Adam Sandel is an Emmy-nominated screenwriter and playwright who is also a journalist and activist.

Published on May 6, 2021