The Sound of Music movie was near and dear to my heart, even before I spent a college semester abroad in Salzburg, Austria. The school I attended was located in the carriage house of the grand home used for exterior shots in the movie. We studied, and partied, in the gazebo used in the movie. These memories allowed my smile to be even broader while Lady Gaga sang her “Sound of Music” medley during this year’s Oscars.
I’ve seen the movie countless times, but it was this year that I was really struck by the outdated dialogue when Maria sang to her eldest charge, Liesl, in “Sixteen Going on Seventeen (Reprise)”: “Gone are your old ideas of life, the old ideas grow dim. Lo and behold you’re someone’s wife and you belong to him.”
Ignoring the heteronormative lyrics, I am troubled with the idea that, after marriage, one belongs to their spouse. Yes, the origin of marriage was started, in part, to formalize property rights. And, even today, couples deal with the practical, i.e., tax and legal, implications of marriage. However, I prefer focusing on the heartfelt part of marriage. I see marriage as a coming together of equals. Each partner brings his or her strengths and weaknesses, which hopefully the other will complement (and compliment!).
Last month I wrote about the transformative power of ritual. I believe that rituals, such as weddings, have a direct effect on our lives. We are transformed, because we feel differently about ourselves and others see us differently as well. Rituals can enrich our lives. In egalitarian relationships, both parties are enriched, not just one or the other. I don’t see marriage as a way to restrict one’s life, but as a way to expand it and strengthen each participant’s sense of groundedness. I believe this was captured beautifully in the poem “To Love Is Not to Possess” by James Kavanaugh (see below).
Returning to the wisdom found in The Sound of Music, Maria said that the Reverend Mother taught that “you have to look for your life.” When I was single, I knew that I couldn’t just wait in my living room for Mr. Right to ring my doorbell and introduce himself. I needed to engage with the world, to do things I enjoyed doing irrespective of the possibility of meeting a potential date.
So, let me conclude with some famous lyrics sung by the Reverend Mother to Maria: “Climb every mountain, search high and low, follow every byway, every path you know. Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ‘till you find your dream.” And the stanza seemingly written about marriages: “A dream that will need all the love you can give, every day of your life for as long as you live.”
Howard M. Steiermann is an Ordained Ritual Facilitator based in San Francisco. For more information, please visit www.SFHoward.com
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